stalking....politely

Okay so I have had a lot of conversations lately with my girlfriends about womens habits. Mainly-stalking. We live in an age of new technology, and even if we don't accept or use this technology to stalk others (which most of us do, admit it) we must at least get the basics down so that when we are stalked, we look good. Also, with stalking becomming the norm among top three things to do when your bored and have a computer, it only follows that there should be some kind of stalking ettiquete. So when we do choose to stalk, we must learn to do it....well...politely!

This helps us to respect other people, not cross the creepy line, stay hidden, but most importantly helps us to come up with a sound, rational conclusion about all the evidence we just found. Now look, I'm not an expert, but I have my opinions. A lot of these were idea's inspired by OTHER peoples mishaps so....DONT JUDGE ME MONKEY!



When it comes to your own profile, there are many actions you can take to block stalkers or rather, give them the right impression of you. This is most important if you are on the job prowl or being watched by the police....but in with either of those cases I suggest making your profile inactive for a while.

For the rest of us, here are a few tips on how to edit our own profiles:

1) The key is to look like you DON'T use facebook that often-only to keep in touch with your friends and know where the party is at...therefore, wait a few days to respond to messages or wall posts, and don't update your status every 5 minutes unless you have a legitimate excuse such as you are at work and cant move and are bored shitless..


2)Don't put your opinion on your status. In fact unless its witty or a nice quote what youre doing incase people want to join you, don't update your status at all. If you have to or feel so inclined then please, do it sparingly-remember, even if you're sitting in front of the computer vegging out all day, you're rarely on facebook.

3)Always have more pictures that others tagged of you than you yourself have tagged, and personally I think its okay to have embarassing funny faces up, it shows you don't care too much about what is posted and it shows you like to have fun. BUT try to keep the first 4 decent looking smiles. There is the other option of only showing your own photos and making those tagged of you private, but in that case, simply don't tag yourself at all.

4) It's always a plus to have friends write things on your wall that other people don't understand. There's really no way to MAKE this happen-but it does throw other stalkers off and make them wonder....and wondering is good...it leads them off the trail....


Now a lot of the stalking pertains to girls, because, well, we're better at it, and way more obsessed with it. It hurts to admit but it's true. Also because usually guys are lying cheating bastards and we have to discover them for what they are before we let them meet our mothers. So, if you are in a shotty relationship, have no idea why so and so just left you, or want to know more about that cute guy who gave you his number...this is the way ladies, let me show you the light.

1) NEVER add the subject of your creepy affection. Either wait for them to add you or find a CLOSER friend in the same network as them and see if you can log in. (you don't have to be friends with the person, just in the same network usually to view the vital parts of their profile) Creepy? yes-but still better than exposing yourself as the stalker that you are.

2) If you are stalking a future dude-remember, posted dates ARE important. It doesn't matter if there is A BILLION pictures of them and their ex, if they are all dated within the time frame of their relationship don't get jealous-just think of it as a future photoshoot of you!

3) DON'T read wall posts past the time that you met this person. If you are hanging with a guy and looking to see if he has another chick on the line, there is no need to look at the posts a week before you met him, not even a day. Just don't do it to yourself.

4) Read notes and status updates....anything the person wrote themselves as KEY elements. What a person is trying to say is usually a lot more insight than the last 12 nights of photos.

5) Before you get mad at someone about something. Further your stalk. Stalk the competition, google the status updates to make sure its not just lyrics, and possibly even casually ask a mutual friend. You don't want to blow up at something only to find out later that you are the creep after all.

6) If this is your current bf/gf. and you feel someone is getting too close on the wall....let THEM be the stalker. Leave one or two inside jokes that arent cheesy and don't make sense. maybe drop a sexual reference, and post a few photos. Don't be outstalked....let them be the sucker.